


Losers Shrek Or Somn

by KosmicPoptarts



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Inspired by Shrek (Movies), M/M, benverly - Freeform, henry is farquaad ok, i know ben is super ooc shut the hell your mouth, it works, ive had this idea for a while now, minor reddie, suprise! richie is a fuckin satyr!, this is literally the shrek story but ya know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KosmicPoptarts/pseuds/KosmicPoptarts
Summary: Do you like Shrek? Do you like the 2017-2019 IT movies? Well have I got the story for you!
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 2





	1. Meet the Demon

Once Upon a Time there was a lovely princess.  
But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love’s First Kiss.  
She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon.  
Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed.  
She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love, and true love’s first kiss.

“Yeah, like that's gonna happen! What a load of shit!” A tall figure bellowed out from his place on the porcelain throne, before flushing and exiting the bathroom. A large demon looked around his hellscape, proud of what was all his, releasing a sigh of content before going about his morning routine.  
Later into the day, a group of angry townsfolk rallied themselves for a fight with said demon, who they presumed to be the cause of the town's misfortune. They gathered their pitchforks and torches just as the demon was sitting down to enjoy his dinner of evil souls. The men made haste to the demon’s hellscape, not exactly hiding themselves well. The demon took notice of the approaching lights and footsteps, and snuck out behind the men.

The men were eager to kill the demon, almost charging headfirst into the hellscape. The wiser men of the group kept them back.  
“Do you know what that thing could do to you? It’ll grind your bones to ash to fuel its fire!” One of the men proclaimed. The men gasped as a throaty laugh echoed from behind them.

“Well, actually, that’s Satan's job!” The demon chuckled out, grinning at the looks of fear upon the mens faces. “Now us lesser demons, we’re much more direct! We’ll peel your skin and watch as your muscles contract and never let up, we’ll shave your fingers down to nubs of bone, and squeeze every last drop of blood from your heart!” The demon thought for a moment. “You should really try it, it's to die for on salmon!” The men gasped at the thought before one brave soul approached the demon, flailing his torch at the creature.

“Get back beast! I’m warning you!” The man cried. The demon snickered, closing his fist around the flame, wiggling his eyebrows at the group.

“Oh right, flame retardant…” The men muttered amongst themselves. The demon inhaled a large gulp of air before letting out a fierce roar that would send even the mightiest of lions heading for the hills. The men screamed in fear as smoke and embers hit their faces. The demon stopped his roar, wiping his mouth of the remaining embers, and patiently waited for the men to stop screaming. Once they did, he leaned in closely.

“This is the part where you run away.” The demon whispered. The men cowered for another split second before booking it as fast as they could, leaving the demon laughing behind them. “And stay out!” He yelled after them. As he turned on his heel to return home, he noticed a dropped paper on the ground.

Wanted:  
Fairy Tale Creatures  
Rewards Vary By Species

The demon sneered at the paper before tossing it over his shoulder and returning home to enjoy the rest of his night.


	2. The Talking Satyr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to meet Richie! (Lol I had to look up labeled glasses for this one.)
> 
> Also I drew Richie in case anyone wants to see what he looks like in this universe.  
> https://www.deviantart.com/kosmicpoptarts/art/Dragon-F-cker-860854518

A large crowd was gathered around many wooden carriages and metal cages. Many of the men and women were here to make a quick buck, each baring a wanted fairy tale creature to sell off. Witches' brooms were broken in half, fairies were held in jars, and larger creatures were placed into cages. Among them a scruffy looking satyr looked around nervously. He had his hair styled up to cover his horns and goat ears, and was actually thankful for the pants he had normally been forced to wear. He stood tall over the elderly woman who held onto a rope tied around his neck. He quickly began negotiating with the woman.

“Hey, come on, please don’t turn me in! I promise I’ll never let your sheep go again! Or, or, I’ll never tell another joke again!” The satyr whispered to the elderly woman.

“Oh shut up!” The woman whispered back, raising her hand as if to hit him, making him flinch. The satyr watched as a wooden puppet was sold off from what appeared to be his father before he was dragged forward by the woman. 

“Yes, and what do we have here?” The lead gatherer eyed the satyr skeptically. 

“Well, I have a TALKING satyr!” The woman proclaimed boisterously. The man raised his eyebrow. 

“Oh yes, that is worth a nice lump some, if you can prove it.” The man deadpanned. The elderly woman untied the rope from around his neck, uncharacteristically gentle. The satyr just looked down at her and the man, trying to look as unsuspicious as possible. 

“Go ahead, Richie.” She said, elbowing him in the gut. Richie just stared at the man. The man motioned for his guards to escort them away. The woman frantically reached up and grabbed him by the chin. “I can talk!” She said out of the corner of her mouth. “I love to talk! I could talk all day! I’m the damn most talkative thing you ever saw!” She screeched out in a poor imitation of his voice. The guards approached her and grabbed her by the arms. The woman squealed in protest, attempting to reach up to his hair and push it down to reveal his horns. Richie ducked, causing the woman to hit the gatherers table with her boot, releasing a very disgruntled pixie.

The pixie sporadically flew around, coating Richie in pixie dust, which in turn began to lift him off the ground. The loose cloth of his pants slipped off, revealing his goat legs. His hair floated a bit too, almost perfectly showing off his horns and goat ears. He looked down for a moment before a brick of realization hit him.

“Hey, I can fly!” Richie exclaimed. The other guards and creatures looked up in awe.

“He can fly?” One of the guards said, squinting up at the satyr.

“He IS a satyr!” The gatherer bellowed, jumping up from his seat. 

“That’s right, asshat!” Richie swore at the man. “Now I’m a flying talking satyr! You might’ve seen a house fly, or maybe even a fruit fly, but you’ve never seen a satyr fly!” Richie exclaimed, unaware of the rapidly wearing off pixie magic. Richie suddenly felt heavier as he looked down, seeing the sparkles of the pixie magic had disappeared. He gulped heavily as he plummeted to the ground. Richie hit the ground hard, making his glasses fall from his face. He looked up to see the blurry sight of the guards approaching him. He grabbed for his glasses, mentally cringing as he grasped them by the lenses.

Richie hastily placed them back on his face before he took off running into the hellishly red woods ahead of him. He inhaled deeply to be met with a throat full of smoke. He coughed slightly before he was falling on his ass upon impact with something large. He looked up and his eyes widened in fear as he was met by a huge, pissed off demon looking down at him. Richie mentally went through the five stages of grief before he looked back to see the guards approaching quicker than he liked. In a split second decision, Richie scampered behind the demon and looked from behind him to see the guards and the gatherer wearily saunter up to the demon, who no longer paid Richie any mind, instead focusing on the intruders. 

“Hail, demon!” The gatherer proclaimed, a tremor obviously present in his voice as his men slowly inched back from the demon and satyr.

“Aye?” The demon all but growled out. The men took even more steps back.

“By the order of Lord Henry, I am entrusted to place you both under arrest.” The gatherer gulped as the demon stalked closer to him. “And relocate you to the designated settlement…” The gatherer gulped again as the demon stood too close for comfort.

“Oh yeah?” The demon cocked an eyebrow. “You and what army?” The demon stated more than asked, as the gatherer turned around to see his men had abandoned him. The gatherer gasped, before he himself ran, following his men. Richie smirked from behind the demon, making faces at the fleeing gatherer. He turned to face the demon, who walked away without another word. He quickly trotted to catch up.

“Can I say something to you?” Richie asked, jumping around the demon, as said demon jerked around to look at the intruding satyr. “You were really something back there. Totally badass!” The demon jerked around to look behind him.

“Are you talking to-” The demon cut himself off, as the satyr had appeared to disappear into thin air. “Me?” He asked the empty forest behind him. He looked around for a moment before turning back around, jumping at the sudden satyr that had seemingly materialized in front of him.

“Yes I was talking to you!” Richie said excitedly. “I was just telling you how great you were back there. Those guards, you had them on the fuckin’ run with just one look! They didn’t even fight back!” Richie rambled out, much to the annoyance of the demon. The demon continued to walk away in disbelief at the chatterbox of a satyr that was following him.

“Oh yeah, that's great.” The demon drawled out sarcastically. 

“Man, it’s good to be free!” Richie said, stretching slightly. The demon paused, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, that's nice, now why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends, hmm?” The demon asked aggressively before continuing onward. Richie rubbed at his elbow.

“But uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not going back out there by myself!” Richie said, stamping a hoof into the dirt. “Hey wait a minute, I’ve got a great idea!” He suddenly exclaimed. “How about I stick with you?!” He said, jogging to catch up once more. “You’re a mean, scary-looking guy! Together we’ll scare the shit outta anyone who crosses us!” Richie proclaimed. The demon took in a sharp breath, scowling at the sky. He suddenly let out a menacing growl at the satyr. Richie just wiped the ash from his glasses and smiled widely. “Now that was really scary!” He said, unfazed by the literal angry demon in front of him. 

The demon raised an eyebrow at the unaffected satyr before stomping away once more, rolling his eyes as he heard the satyr continue following him. 

“And if your growl don’t do it, then your breath will definitely get the job done, ‘cause you need some strong tic tacs or something.” Richie rambled again, following the demon. He climbed up onto a fallen log and swung his upper half over the top to meet the demon once again. “Man you almost burned my beard off my face!” Richie said, gesturing to his scruffy five o-clock shadow. “Just like the time-” The satyr was cut off by the demon thrusting his hand over his mouth, and much to his dismay the satyr continued to talk. The demon sighed again before removing his hand just as the satyr finished his story. “And I had some nasty gases ripping from my ass for the next two weeks!” The satyr took in a huge breath. “I’m Richie by the way.” Richie said, sticking his hand out to shake.

“Why are you following me?!?!” The demon demanded, ignoring the satyr's outstretched hand and watching Richie slip and fall from the log onto his face. Richie stood up, catching his glasses as they fell from his face, broken in half. The satyr squinted up at him, obviously practically blind without his glasses. He held them both by the earpieces, and the demon felt a pang of guilt. The demon stomped off once again, hearing the satyr get up and follow him.

“I’ll tell you why.” Richie said, strolling behind him. “ ‘Cause I’m all alone. There’s no one here besides meee~” Richie sang out, jumping in front of the demon, who scowled at him. “My problems have all gone, there’s no one to deride me~” Richie continued, ignoring the death glare the demon held. “But you gotta have friends-” Richie was cut off by the demon grasping him by his collar.

“Stop singing!” The demon bellowed out, swinging Richie around behind him, dropping him on his ass. “Well it’s no wonder you don’t have any friends!” The demon exclaimed, trying to walk off again, growling slightly at the sound of hooves following him. Richie caught up to him once more.

“Wow, only a true friend would be that honest!” Richie said, nudging the demon in the arm. The demon let out an exasperated sigh.

“Listen, Richie, take a look at me, what am I?” The demon asked rhetorically. Richie paused, looking up at the scowling demon. He hummed for a moment.

“Really tall?” Richie asked, rubbing his stubble. The demon huffed angrily.

“No! I’m a demon! Y’know, ‘grab your pitchforks and holy water!’” The demon said in a voice mocking the townspeople. “Doesn’t that bother you?” The demon asked seriously. Without hesitation, Richie shook his head, smiling. The demon raised an eyebrow. “Really?” He asked.

“Really really!” Richie said, smiling again. 

“Oh.” The demon said, slightly taken aback by how nonchalant the satyr was about this.

“Man I like you. What’s your name?” The satyr asked, pressing his broken glasses to his temples.

“Uh, Ben.” The demon said, walking away more calmly.

“Ben?” Richie asked, following the demon, and totally not expecting this big imposing demon to have such a normal name. Richie trotted up next to the demon as they walked up a hill of lava rocks. “Well you know what I like about you, Ben? You got that kind of ‘I don’t care what anybody thinks about me.’ thing.” Richie said in a halfway decent impression of Ben’s voice. The demon just rolled his eyes, smirking slightly. “I like that, I respect that, Ben.” He said as they reached the top of the hill, overlooking Ben’s hellscape. Richie looked down at said hellscape.

“Look at that! Who’d wanna live in a place like that? Richie asked obliviously. Ben stood tall, putting his clawed hands on his hips.

“That, Richie, is my home.” He stated before making his way down towards the cave in the middle of his hellscape. Richie’s ears fell in embarrassment. 

“Oh and it is lovely! You really know how to decorate!” Richie said apologetically, slowly trotting down the lava rock hill. His gaze fell to a pile of rather bloody bones. “I like those bones, those are some nice bones.” Richie quickly jogged down the hill following Ben to the cave before a door was closed in his face. “Hey uh, where do I sleep?” The satyr asked, peering in the window.

“Outside.” The demon stated matter-of-factly. Richie sighed, sitting down on a soft looking pile of ashes. He cradled his broken glasses in his hands, barely able to make out the outline of them. Damn his near blindness. He heard shuffling around in the cave before something hit him on the head. Richie squinted down at the object before picking it up. From what he could see, it looked like a roll of tape. Richie hastily wrapped a good few pieces around the nosepiece of his glasses and placed them back on his face before setting the roll back on the windowsill. 

“Hey Ben?” Richie asked, hearing the demon hum in response. “Can I make waffles for breakfast?” The demon grumbled something before responding.

“I’ll think about it.”


	3. Eviction Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/EsqpVl0TVek?t=136
> 
> Lol.

As the day turned into night and Ben made his dinner, he felt a faint pang of guilt that slowly turned into an ache in his head. Every now and then he would glance out the window at the satyr. He really didn’t deserve to be treated so cruelly, he had no issue whatsoever with Ben being a demon, and that made Richie the first person (err, satyr) to treat him like an equal rather than some big mean monster that tortured people for fun. Ben pushed the guilt down with his meal. He didn’t need to feel guilty for leaving the satyr outside in the hellscape, it was in his nature to be cruel.

A sudden bump jostled the demon out of his thoughts, and he angrily sat up from his chair. He stomped towards the front door.

“I thought I told you to stay outside!” Ben growled out. Richie popped his head into view from the window.

“I am outside!” He said, leaning on the window frame. Ben grew confused. What had caused that bump then? Shortly thereafter three more bumps were heard as both Ben and Richie looked around the cave frantically for the intruder. Three shadows appeared on the wall, faint from the dimming fire, but enormous. Ben cautiously walked over to his dining table, only to be met with three rats blindly running around his table. Ben growled as he caught each of the three by their tails and chucked them out the window over Richie’s head. The screech of wood on stone caused the demon to whip around again, only to see seven little people shoving a glass coffin containing a dead girl onto the table. Ben huffed angrily as he stalked over to the table.

“Oh no, get your dead bitch off of my table!” Ben cried out, pushing the coffin against the men. The men pushed back.

“Well where are we supposed to put her?” One of the men asked, shoving the glass death box once more. 

Richie was practically draped over the window frame now, looking around frantically. Ben looked to the satyr angrily, assuming he had done this. Richie just pointed in the direction of Ben’s bedroom, eyes wide with fear and confusion. Ben scrambled towards his bedroom, stopping hard at the sight of the wolf laying in his bed reading a magazine. The wolf looked up at him.

“What?” It asked in a deadpan voice. Ben was quite literally steaming with rage as he picked the wolf up by the scruff of its neck and threw it out the front door. Upon stepping outside however, he was met by a hoard of fairy tale creatures setting up camp all throughout his hellscape. He heard Richie scramble to stand up beside him. Finally, the demon burst.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HELL?!?!” the demon roared out, gaining the attention of all the creatures, who looked at him with fear and bewilderment. Ben turned to Richie, who took a step back at the possibly deadly glare.

“Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t invite them.” The satyr said, putting his hands up in defense. Ben’s scowl softened, if only slightly, as he looked out to the crowd. The wooden puppet that Richie recognized stepped forward.

“No one invited us! We were forced to come here!” The puppet cried out in a high pitched voice. Ben huffed, exposing the demon’s sharp fangs as he exhaled hard. 

“Who forced you fucking freaks to come here?!” The demon roared over the chattering crowd. Three pigs spoke up.

“Lord Henry!” One spoke.   
“He huffed and he puffed and he-” Another pig said, motioning with his hands.  
“Signed an eviction notice.” The third pig finished. Ben sighed heavily.

“Alright, who knows where this Henry lives?” The demon shouted to the crowd. They all looked at one another. Suddenly, Richie spoke up.

“Ooh, ooh, I do! I know where he lives!” Richie rambled, raising his hand up high as he bounced besides Ben. Ben sighed once more.

“Does anyone else know where he lives?” Ben asked the whispering crowd once again. Richie continued to bounce around the demon until he planted his face into his palm. “Alright! Alright, fine. You need to take me to him.” Ben said, pointing his sharp claw at the satyr’s chest. Richie pumped his fist in victory. Ben turned to the crowd once again. “Listen up! None of you freaks are gonna be staying here much longer!” Ben shouted, silencing the crowd once more. “I’m gonna go find this guy, and make him get you all out of here!” The demon roared. After another moment of silence, the crowd began to cheer. Ben pushed his way through the excited crowd, dragging Richie by the horns behind him. 

Finally as the crowd dispersed, Richie pulled away, rubbing the base of one of his horns. He trotted at a quicker pace to keep up with Ben, before he began singing quite loudly.

“On the road again. Just can’t wait to get-” Richie managed to get out before he was cut off.

“What did I say about singing?” Ben asked sharply. Richie thought for a moment.

“Can I whistle?” He asked, earning a low growl from the demon. “Can I hum it?” Richie tried again. Ben sighed once more.

“Fine.” Richie began happily humming the song as loudly as he could, completely oblivious to the annoyance of his companion.


End file.
